Are you my friend?

What is a friend?

I was having this conversation with a friend because she was all sort of hurt about the way the people she referred to as friends were treating her. So it made me think about friendship and the people I call friends.

What is friendship and who is your friend?

Are you my friend because you call yourself my friend, or are you my friend because I call you a friend?

How do or should we measure friendship?

If someone in their heart of hearts believes they are doing everything in their power and yet that does not even begin to scratch the friendship surface for the other then is that a friendship?

We are not all the same, granted. We also do not relate to people the same. My idea of friendship may be crossing an ocean to come visit you on your sick bed, another’s idea of friendship is to go to church and pray for you (you may not even know). How do we judge which one of these is the real friend?

Is friendship based on the things we see?

Should we judge people based on the boxes they can tick in our books and by the things they can do for us or should we accept them as they are an appreciate whatever they bring to the table (no matter how big or small it may seem to us).

“Count on me through thick and thin a friendship that will never end when you are weak u will be strong helping you to carry on, call on me I will be there don’t be afraid please believe me when I say count on me….”

 Maintaining Friendships especially in this mediated age of distractions is not easy!

I know I have been slacking in the carrying out of my friend duties in the past couple of months. My excuse is probably the same as yours, i.e., Life is getting busy for no reason. I mean to write and check up on my peeps and I’ve been saying that for the longest but I still have not and now I finally look up its been x amount of months and that “I will call to check up on her” is many months too late and still I have done nothing.

Who or what is to blame for our sudden or maybe not so sudden but rather self-imposed distractions/interruptions, which is our hurting our friendships?

We all (myself included) blame life. Though is that really fair? How many minutes really does it take to write an email once the person pops up in your head? I know a one liner “I am thinking of you” can mean so much to anyone who feels forgotten…. especially someone whom you say means something to you.

So why do we allow it to happen? I think there are a variety of answers but I want to focus on two.

1. I believe on some unconscious level we do not want to be viewed as needy. If you get in touch with me, that’s fine but if you don’t as the pop song goes, “I will survive”. This is on both ends, I do not want to get in touch and be seen as the needy one by my friends (oh crap here she comes again) and my friends also do not want to get in touch and be seen as needy (oh crap here she/he comes again).
2. Secondly, I think the world is trying to condition our perspectives not to expect much from others. I read a quote that said something to the effect that if you do not expect anything then you do not get disappointed. So I stop expecting my friends to do things for me and start doing it myself. If I need something and I cannot get it done, oh well…So even when we need our friends, we do not make the move for fear of disrupting their busy lives, schedules, relationships, responsibilities etc.  We would rather sit and wait in the friend waiting room until they get in touch.  If they do not, we simply wait and suffer in silence.

 Why are we friends?

My friend should be the one person I can get mad at if I start to feel neglected or misused or abused. Usually we let our “friends” slide and say nothing for the sake of the friendship, how ironic right?

Some people are of the school of thought that sometimes we need to let people experience their own in order to make a point. I.e. if your friend is the constantly borrowing never paying back type, one day flip the script and do the same.

I disagree with this on three levels:

1. Friendship should not be based on how the other treats you, you must be a friend until you decide no more and extract yourself but whilst you are in there you have to be the best you possible.

2. People who act a certain way usually do not get the point when you flip their script on them. They see you as the problem and not their actions or in actions.

3. It’s petty and juvenile in my opinion.

I think we are all too old for games and Jedi mind tricks in our friendships. If you truly want to be a friend, then practice the golden rule: do unto others, as you would want them to do unto you.

Notice the above does not say, “If all the right conditions are met then do unto others…” If we truly are friends then it should not be a one-way street that I always come up on. You should also slide my way sometimes.

Friendship is meant to be unconditional.

The days of the week or time or geographic location shouldn’t change the way you experience our friendship. If I am slacking call me out on it before you get tired and dismiss me, give me at least that warning shot.

 We are all guilty of taking advantage of our friends because we think they will always be there. It’s time to start treating people how we would like to be treated.

I am guilty of letting friendships go/slack because I think I can do without and my pride made me think I did not need those people, until I realize how vital these people were in my life. I was lucky enough to have been able to repair the damaged relationships and through constant work I put in now, I am proud to say I have people I can call my true friends. You do not need to get to this level. Cherish your friends whilst you still have them.

I had a hand grab me from my past and it has been my steady rock in these past weeks.  You could do the same for someone…. reach out and touch… Call or text or email a long lost friend today, you may be that spark that brightens up their day, week, month or even year.

Nagoya??–YA YA YA!!!

I finally took my “Nana Ama” trip.

Definition of a “Nana Ama” trip:

A trip one takes alone when one needs to recharge and rejuvenate and do all the things that one wants to do.

Although this was technically a work related trip, come on, its Japan!!!! You know I managed to find time to make it a personal and quite enjoyable trip. Now if I were to write down everything that happened, trust that we would be here for quite a long time and “aint” nobody “gat” time for that so I am going to skip the usual things you can read elsewhere and just go for the things that stood out to, and for me. #Tripessentials.

#TheylookingforVisasandIdontmeancreditcard:

First things first, I needed a visa. Yes I need a visa everywhere, which is a bummer for me, but great for you as you get to hear about the visa process for different countries. So about that Japanese visa. I have never and I am sure I will never ever go to a visa office that is as empty as the Japanese visa office. The staff (Ghanaian) explained to us that the Japanese visa was very hard to get so not a lot of people applied for it. The day I went to drop my application there was one additional person applying (not kidding). The process takes approximately 4 days and costs $68. The visa form is quite detailed but not as bad as the British visa form (or the Chinese one – stay tuned).  So you go deliver your form and they give you a pick up form, the good thing is that you pay when you pick up your passport and not before. I guess unlike other countries they do not need the visa money (well if they are getting an average of 10 people applying I doubt it is much money in the first place). This was the simplest application process ever, no interview nada.  After getting my Japanese visa with no wahala, because of the way my ticket was set up, the next step was to get a Visa for Hong Kong.

 I had no clue why I needed to get a Hong Kong transit visa as I was going to be in Hong Kong for less than 2 hours but they (the airline and the Chinese consulate office) insisted I needed to get it. So I went to the Chinese embassy, it was a zoo.

I was lucky enough to have a connect so the process was very simple and smooth for me, but for the average person my advice would be to go early and be ready to spend quite some time in line. The visa form for the Hong Kong visa might as well ask for a blood sample because it asks for everything else. You need a doctors note, bank details (how much do you earn), your letter of introduction, letter of application and a $50 transit visa fee. (I am not sure how much the other visa fees are. The process is similar to the Japanese office, you take all your paperwork stand in line when your number is called drop it off with the officer and get a sheet of paper which either indicates an interview date or date for you to pick up. No long talks. What annoyed me about getting that visa was that the only time anyone asked for this was in Ghana, before I left. Apparently if I did not have it I would not have been allowed on the plane. Apart from Ghana no one else asked for it, not even in Hong Kong. Waste of my $50 if you ask me. No one could also articulate to me why it was needed which was another reason that upset me, at least let me know what I am paying for.

Fortunately, I did not need a South African transit visa (whew). My route was SA, HK, then Japan. (I probably should have mentioned that earlier)

 Flights:

I was on South African Air most of the time, but from Hong Kong to Japan I used Nippon Airways and on my way back from Japan I used Cathay Pacific.

Memories of Delta economy seating made me dread my economy seats and I tried to upgrade. Unfortunately, being the boss that it is, South African Air does not do Premium economy. You are either in economy or in Business. Business class from SA to HK and back was going to cost me $3000. I decided economy wasn’t that bad after all. It truly was not. The SA seats are definitely NOT Delta economy seats. They were roomier, also the flights were not as packed and I could stretch across seats so economy was not that bad. God is good…do not expect a repeat performance, however. If you have to fly SAA save your money and go for the economy, coming from me that should mean a lot J.

 Airports:

I already told you the Accra airport sucks so no need to repeat that.

 SA Airport

The bad:

The SA airport also sucks, mainly because their Internet is quite shoddy (you can get 30 minutes free a day and then that’s it. It also sucked because water cost an arm and a leg.

 The good:

For my flight to Japan since I had a 10-hour transit in SA, I checked into the Protea Transit hotel. It was very “necessary” and if you have a long transit I advice you do the same. Although the Internet did not work (these devils will not let me be Instagram picture posting great), I was able to rest well before tackling the 13-hour flight to Hong Kong. The room was clean, spacious and modern the rate was $200 for 8 hours. In my circumstances that money was money well spent. Coming back the transit time was shorter and since I was heading home and not to work I figured I could suck it up in the airport and I did. It was not too bad.

 Hong Kong Airport:

The bad:

Like Goldilocks I have to say, too big. I had a problem on one side and had to walk no joke almost 15-20 minutes to have the issue addressed on another side. Also the moving walkways move only one way (unfortunately for me it was the opposite direction to where I needed to be going) no Buenos.

The good:

Good stable Internet, none of this 30 minutes or non-existent Internet issues. Charging stations for phones.

Nagoya Airport:

Just right. Maybe I am being biased so sue me but the fact that I could take the train from the airport to my hotel door and back was a plus for me.

#Plugandplay:

Let’s talk about Sockets, and what you need to charge your essentials because lets face it, no one ever tells you about sockets.

For Japan you need the thin slim pin (2 pin). For SA you need the round pin (2 or 3 pins) and for Hong Kong you need the square pin (3 pin).

Miscellaneous:

I was warned before this trip that Asians are not friendly; I did not agree because Keisuke my one and only was quite pleasant but I steeled myself just in case he was one in a million (literally J). I was ready therefore not to be liked, or helped by the Japanese.

Imagine my surprise when the people in Nagoya went out of their way to help me especially when they saw me looking absolutely clueless. The city of Nagoya, which hosted the conference, went all out. I am not sure if the Mayor got them into a room and told them to be nice to us but they were very very nice.

Transportation:

The subway system was excellent, once you got the hang of it, it was pretty much like the subway system in London and other parts of the world where one finds subways. Find where you want to go, find the line that goes there, buy your ticket, get on the platform and away we go.

My trick for getting around the city (and I did go almost everywhere) in addition to double checking the lines was to take a picture (with my phone) of the place, the directions and the names of the streets so when I got lost (which was once or twice) I simply walked up to people and pointed to my phone. Even when they could not speak English they knew the basic right-o, left-o and numbers.

Food (my joy):

The food was surprising, there was a lot of cured and boiled fish (I was not a fan) but one thing that surprised me was the prominence of fried chicken as a major dish in Nagoya. I was hoping to go on a health movement for this trip eat sushi, a lot of greens and drink loads of water well I can tell you that did not happen. I ate more junk food than I would normally (but that is ok J). What I disliked was the pastries. I did not try any of the cakes etc. but those who did expressed the same disappointment. The pastries were never fresh for a foodie who loves her some fresh pastries, that was quite disappointing. I ate a lot of sushi, chicken and noodles  and incorporated some fresh fruits ever so often, I avoided the western food joints (subway, Mcdees, Fridays, Starbucks etc.) those who tried them weren’t impressed.

Shopping:

Everyone told me Japan was expensive and they did not lie. It was not expensive per say more like comparable to the states, so things I would buy for $25 I would have to pay for the same in Japan even though the things are probably produced in China. I went wild shopping though, my excuse was this was a me trip and therefore I was allowed to spoil me.  On a regular day, I would not shop in Japan knowing I could get those things on sale in the states.

Relaxation:

There was no way I was going to Japan and not going to partake in some massage activities. It was AMAZINGGGGGGGGGG…..     I would definitely recommend a massage but ask the locals where to get a good deal. The hotel rates can be quite suspect, for example I think my hotel was offering 30 minute massage for about $150. No Buenos!!!

To do or not to do:

Do over and over again, just not for shopping (unless you do not care about sales) or for the pastries. Do for the culture, do for the innovations, do for the people, do because if you are tiny like me for the first time in your life everything is to your size. Do it for the style and for the amazing fashion you see walking down the street/subway stations everyday. Do for the amazing heated toilet seats with the bidet and shower options and definitely do for the million times you will bow and say arrigato.

All in all, this was a fantastic trip because I did everything I wanted. The conference tackled issues I was interested in so I was never bored, the shops were all the shops I wanted, I ate the food I wanted to and got truly pampered like I deserved. I consider the trip an early Christmas and Birthday present to myself…and like the name suggests… u NA GO? – I say hell YA…

A small sample of my poems…some old, some older, some oldest…Enjoy

1. Death Sentence…

I remember the first day you said “I love you”, and then promptly took it back.

I remember every day since that you’ve repeated that lie; the “I love you” and the “I take it back”.

I remember when you said you had tried it all and that it was irretrievably broken, I think it was sometime in January, my fault I think perhaps it was rather Neveruary.

You swore then you wanted to be mine and only mine…if I think back, that is when you asked will you forsake all others and just be with me?

Suddenly, seasons repeat and the game is reset and there is victim here (not me), and apparently I am the culprit (not she)

My broken heart bleeds in confusion of the charge, of attempting to break a home.

I cry out: Officer do you mean break into his home, but it is our home, honey I am so confused, tell him something.

I protest, I object, I yell, I scream. Let go of me, it is for me…he swore to love me…

And yet, you do nothing to protect me, you turn and tell me “You are not my responsibility”

You deny… me, you reproach… me, you hurt… me, you cheat…ME

But you never take heed, never take responsibility…it’s all me.

I say: Officer, if indeed I broke it, I mean I broke in, please believe it was only because he promised me somewhere warm to lay my weary head from now until…

I had no idea until meant he simply wanted someone occupy his temporary bed until…

You know I only stayed because you asked me to, because you told me, because you insisted you were ready to move on, that you were finally through…Damn you neveruary and your promises which never come true.

Now the tables have turned and you want to put the blame on me, come on please tell the truth, this officer is trying to arrest me, tell him anything, please do this last thing for me, please save me.

Oh hell, fine if you won’t bother, then tell him the truth at least, tell him that whilst I was too busy loving you,

You were busy too, denying me (Oh she’s just a friend)

Tell him that for you Ive cried, Ive died, Ive sacrificed…

SILENCE

He says nothing…He does nothing; he regards me as nothing…

I bow my head, I’ve lost the fight, the battle and the war and for that I willingly lose my head to appease her heart…

Officer please take me away, I now see I broke a home whilst he broke my heart…

2. I now pronounce you…Man and…

When words no longer speak the truth, when eyes now more than ever see the lies, when kisses are traded as after thoughts; that my friend is when we say good bye.

When lies become a go to guide, when thrice you spoke the words that broke a heart, when excuses begin to justify (in)actions, what more is there to say my love…

When words cut, twist and melt into manipulations, when these words no longer heal but rather reveal the devil as a guardian angel, then a player in this twisted game I can no longer be.

By your actions your truth was made evident, even the truth you pretended to call “the biggest lie”. And now it’s all been said and done, on to the next one is the favored, I mean the tried and tested song.

One who only “knows of” love can never be expected to actually KNOW love. I spoke and spoke and spoke myself into calamity, even worse into a lie and now your lies will cause me to speak no more. My love for you was treated as mundane and with that my purpose was profaned.

When the “minority” truth is overruled by a “majority” lie, when one can no longer tell the difference between an enemy and a friend, when pure innocents are reduced to pawns; then what has been ordained will, shall and forever be…

I now pronounce you ….Man and Li(f)e…

3. My FRIEND

You have been there for me always and for that I thank you

I could always call on you and you would answer thank you

When people tried to put me down you always shielded me thank you

When I thought no one could love me you came through once more thank you

There are no words that I could speak to let you know how I feel so I’ll try Thank you

You know the story; you bothered to find out the truth, for that Thank you

I am human and I will make mistakes and for each one that hurts you sorry

I wish people could get to know you as well as

I have or else for them life will be sorry

All the good times and the bad times we

shared I will never be sorry

God knew I needed someone like you that’s why he sent me you so thank you

And I’ll always be here for you if you are always there for me….Thank you

4. It’s a Virtue:

Be calm, Be still, Be Patient, Love Still… If it’s mine it will be

If it’s not then please take him away from me…

Be still my heart and let calm in.

Be Still my heart Worries come and go, hearts break and repair

Let not the noise of the world beset you.

Be still my heart and let quiet reign

Lest your principles be forgot in

haste and be not part of me.

Passions may or may not wane, love may or may not die,

Nothing may remain but just you and I So be still my heart.

If its ours to be it surely will be

Though realistically

You know me even when I choose not to know myself

And you’ve told me this love will not be

So today I say Be still my heart Rest, for now

Our time will soon be at hand

When he will come and be the one

Enough of this, I’m, I mean we are done Seasons pass, even life ends

Why think such will never die? Be still my heart and love me only me until

The one you choose for me comes with a reason to be Unstill.

5. Loving you still:

I never want to forget to say I love you

You know it’s odd

They say people change, time rolls on by

So why am I stuck here, stuck feeling this way?

I know I hurt you with when I spoke those words

Yes hush let me speak…

I know I hurt you with when I didn’t speak

Didn’t reassure you, didn’t let you know you were mine to keep

It’s my pride I swear, I tell you

It’s that pride

It’s the same thing that won’t let me weep.

It tells me I can’t be weak, I can’t be vulnerable

I cannot let others defeat

Or men will push me hard, push till I stumble

Push from off my comfort seat

I tried to avoid it, tried to chase it away from me

I placed a bounty on Loves head

And paid the dear price losi

ng my love to all I said

I tell you now, I will always say,

I won’t forget to say I love you not now not ever

Especially not as you walk out  that door, out my life forever.

6. A Cat has 9 Lives:

My first life found me raw and new

Yet I embraced every person both black and blue

I was part of the human tribe

When I cried I was bribed…

Trusted in love until I died….!

I woke up to my second life

Convinced the first had been just a fluke

I promised myself a second chance

This time death I would rebuke, yet

Death came like a shadow in the night and …oh no…Once again I died!

In my third life, I was somewhere strange

Where no one seemed to know my name

They touched me, prodded me and teased me incessantly!

In my fear I beckoned for Death to take me once more…and I died!

My fourth life was short and sweet…

Woke up it seems, dancing to the wrong beat…

They shot back to sleep…and, I died!

In my fifth life I found my ONE

The HE who was meant to be with me

He cheated, he lied, Death laughed and I cried

I killed myself so I could live free…I lied, I died!

My sixth life was a waste of time

Ruined my life and … again, I died!

In my seventh Life, HE Lied lied lied…

Yet again I cried cried cried

Then He loved loved loved and I pushed pushed pushed

Till I pushed his love to love me no more …alas, his love killed me and …I died!

My eighth life found me surrounded by friend or enemies

Who exactly knows? So I watch my back and watch them too

Lessons learnt from my various four Lives times two.

Love I thought I found,

My Love I willingly gave back

Until His Love I found, was just a hack…with shame I died!

Life number Nine is mine to keep

This Life I promise to elude from Death’s sweet sleep…

Life number nine is mine to give …

Or rather maybe this once, Life number nine is mine to… just LIVE!

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